People say all the time to live without regrets…I used to say this, too. But you know what? In this chapter of my life, I don’t necessarily agree with that notion anymore.
When I’m completely honest with myself?
I have plenty of regrets.
I have to be honest with myself if I want to grow. Because you can’t change anything you refuse to face and so this is me setting me free.
I regret hurting so many people while I was hurting.
I regret every moment I silenced my voice out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, fear of anything at all.
I regret every time I felt something strong and didn’t voice it–good or bad.
I regret every time I didn’t tell someone I loved them when I did.
I regret not viewing my mind, body, soul and space as something insurmountably sacred.
I regret drinking so much as a teenager and numbing my pain instead of feeling it and healing it. I regret the scenarios that transpired as a result.
I regret listening to opinions of others about myself and others.
I regret listening and engaging in gossip and practicing tearing others down instead of building them up.
I regret thinking that hurting others was my strongpoint.
I regret not walking away from plenty of conversations that had nothing to do with me.
I regret fueling emotional fires within myself and others.
I regret the types of friends I chose and the fact that I cared so much about what people thought of me. I regret not being strong enough to stay true to myself.
I regret giving my time, heart, and energy to people that I used to fill a void, instead of the people who would refuel me naturally and in a healthy way.
I regret allowing others to use me. I regret using this truth as permission to hurt and use others.
I regret becoming bitter.
I regret not apologizing every time I was wrong.
I regret not admitting every time I was hurt.
I regret choosing noise over books and pain over love.
I regret the fact that it took me over 2 decades to reflect honestly about all of my regrets in order to propel me into a healthy woman and receive the goodness that this world has to offer.
I regret a lot from my past and this changes me–every day it changes me.
It motivates me to remain vulnerable, open, loving and transparent with my husband, my loved ones, and those I hold dear to my heart.
It motivates me to protect my heart, my space, my relationships.
It motivates me to continue working towards remaining soft (I’m not there yet. I’m still melting, but I will work tirelessly until I get there, and then I’ll work again to remain there)
It motivates me to chase grace. To choose God over people. To not idolize the world but seek the life and way God wants for me. The way He wants for all of us.
Choosing to look back and be honest with myself about each of these things was the catalyst of positive change for me.
It’s that moment that I decided to close the doors on pain and negativity, letting my regrets resonate just enough to learn. To clear out old habits, thought processes, judgements, insecurities, in order to open the doors to healthy love and light. I won’t make those mistakes again this time.
I’ll let myself feel regret–I just won’t unpack there. I’ll use it instead to propel myself and life forward.
My advice is to never remain stagnant–give yourself permission to grow…you are forever allowed to grow.💛
Love and light.