I’m cracking myself open
I’m letting myself pour out
Messy and raw
I’m letting myself feel everything
Digging my hands in the fallout
I didn’t realize I still had this much inside
So far to go
I’m so incredibly happy with my life but in an instant, in this season of motherhood I wanted to run
To move to the other side of the world and seek refuge with my sister and her family
And now I see that wasn’t the answer at all
The earth here is healing me
Mother Nature is singing to my soul
The energy flows through me and purges out anything dead
Ripping out the old
Allowing the new to come alive
This is painful and I cry
I feel waves of depression and anger and sadness
I feel it fully and then I let it pass
I miss my husband
And my life
And after stepping outside of myself and my comfort zone I can see clearly the parts I need to change
The parts I want to change
I want more authenticity
I want less technology
I have two weeks to go and I crave to come home to start anew
I don’t want to run anymore
I realize I was stuck in habitual living
Stuck in a stagnant cycle
That leaving was necessary for me to take a healthy look on the inside
I needed to feel this pain
This loneliness away from my husband
I once thought that my sister was the one who knew me best, how to handle me best
But now I see that what was written in the Bible is true
You leave your families to become one
I never understood that
It speaks to me now
I have the ears to listen
And so I hear
My husband now is the one who knows me best
Knows how to cope with my seasons
Brings me comfort through prayer when it comes to my soul’s emotions
Brings me back to myself and my feet back on the ground when I fill up with the unknown and start to drift away
He anchors me lovingly and gently and in the perfect way I need
He is who I need during the dark seasons of my life.
The seasons of paradox
Of pure joy and sadness
And peace and wreckage
And stability and chaos
I am all of these things right now and my husband knows. He just knows.
And he helps and he comforts and he just knows.
And he’s who I want to hold my hand as I heal myself
To watch as I shed my old skins and break out of unhealthy habits, mindsets, and images
But with him by my side
This isn’t something anyone else can do for me
This is a battle I need to fight on my own
But not everyone is up for the task to stand aside and love me through it
And not everyone should
Jesus brought us together for this. I am his rib. I cannot scare him away because I am a part of him. He wants all of these parts of me and loves all of these parts of me. Even the ones I don’t want or love about myself.
Just as I love all of those parts of him, too.
And now after writing this down I feel peace
And I am thankful
For all of this
For the unsettling of my heart
And for the peace that I feel now
And the growing I feel taking place
And the love that will undoubtedly grow from this experience
Bringing me closer to my husband
To my family
And to Christ
Thank you Jesus.
Thank you Holy Spirit.
Thank you God.
For breaking me and making me new
Helping me to grow closer to the woman You want me to be
In Your loving image
According to your perfect plan
And your perfect will.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.