I knew that I would feel a sense of vulnerability when I made this blog public but I didn’t realize the effect it would have on my flow of thoughts.
A good friend of mine reached out to me and told me how my words spoke to her, an incredibly encouraging and uplifting thing to hear– that’s the point of this after all, to touch others with my words and offer solace to those who can relate…to allow others to feel connected to me even if their life looks completely different than mine. But I admitted to her that it really made me feel like I was walking through an auditorium naked.
It still does.
I guess that’s the reason for my silence the past week. I think a lot of times it’s really scary to put ourselves out there.
I believe it’s because whenever we’re going through a very personal transition or state of growth in life, we don’t always let others in on that. I’m not one to discuss these manifestations to just anyone, usually it’s just my husband who knows, or one of my sisters, a best friend. But the rest of the world is left in the dark. It can seem shocking to the others.
I saw a quote by Elizabeth Gilbert recently that said, “I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”
And I think it’s really true.
I think it takes a lot of courage and strength and humility to look at yourself and see where you are your own worst enemy, and where you are limiting yourself or hindering yourself, making yourself a victim, all of those types of things — all things that I have been guilty of in the past.
When we start making those changes, sometimes they’re slow and sometimes they’re fast, or sometimes they’re internal, and they are going on behind the scenes that nobody really knows about.
I know for me, it was almost easier to continue showing the old side of me, my old face, rather than just being brave and showing my authentic self, who I am NOW. I was selective with who I showed my true self to.
People remember, or they have this idea about you…or maybe you simply know that they have experienced you at a certain point in your life that you no longer want to attach yourself to–you don’t want to be that person anymore. You’re not that person anymore.
Life keeps changing you, teaching you, enlightening you, and changing your perspective. People know this to be true in their own lives, but it’s difficult to accept in others.
Often times, and I’ve done this too, we picture people a certain way because of what they’ve shown us in the past and that image gets stuck. It’s very rigid.
I feel like we are all guilty of giving ourselves a lot of grace and room to grow and we don’t always allow that for other people–not in our mind anyway.
I’m not perfect. Not by any stretch of the word, not by any means. I still struggle with that. I still struggle with my perceptions and my interpretations of people.
There are times that I am right– I believe in energy, I full-heartedly believe in intuition. Often times I can read people’s energy before they even open their mouth. Even if they are saying all of the right things with a smile on their face, there is something deep within my body that reacts and tells me that something is off–maybe our energies clash. And that’s okay, I make peace with that.
Other times I’m surprised because I ask that person, I confront them and find that I was wrong, and it was just my insecurities peeking through. Maybe I was picking up on something else they are going through that is completely independent to me.
Or sometimes, I wait it out and I keep giving the benefit of the doubt and later down the road find that I was right, that my intuition was spot on. I feel like that almost makes it harder in a way because then we find ourselves thinking that we are always right….and we start to fit people into this tiny little box. It’s really not fair.
I know that I am changing so much, constantly evolving. Others must be, too.
When I reflect, I realize that by God’s grace I am nothing like I was in high school, or college even. I’ve made a lot of changes. I really looked at myself and said, this isn’t the woman that I want to be. This is nothing that I want to represent. This isn’t the life I want to lead, this isn’t bringing me peace and it’s not bringing good things into my life. I had to make those types of changes.
I know this to be true, but I know that this might be difficult for some people who used to know me to have faith in those changes. I wasn’t always peaceful, graceful, kind, and open. There were times I was downright awful. A lot of the time. Some would argue, most of the time. I get that.
I guess the whole point of this is that I don’t want to hide anymore. From this point forward I am going to make that dive into the unknown and I am going to be myself. I want to stifle that voice of doubt inside and be unapologetically myself. This is who I am. I am different. I am strange. I am happy and sad and kind and rude and I am human. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a woman. I will have people who mock me, who doubt me, who hate me, and those who encourage, support, and love me. I welcome it all.
To anyone reading this: I don’t want you to be discouraged from honoring who you are in this very moment.
Understand that it’s okay. We all have good and bad days. We all have the opportunity to change. We all are allowed to grow.
Regardless of how you are feeling on any given day, I encourage you to ask yourself: how can I still be a light in my life rather than dragging someone down?
It takes a lot of humility to say to yourself when you’re screwing up, “Man, you’re being ugly right now. You’re thinking in an ugly way. You’re adding to the ripple effect of the negative energy in this world. You’re dragging people down instead of lifting them up.”
I’m practicing giving more grace and recognizing where I am my own enemy and causing damage in my own life.
That’s why I think it’s so important to find people who support and recognize the changes that you are going through, who are like-minded and can hold you accountable. Those who can validate your feelings but also help to redirect your thoughts and emotions in a healthier way, instead of adding to the negative energy and nourishing your flaws. Instead, they can help to highlight your strengths and beauty and pull you into their peace.
Surround yourself with people who inspire you. Challenge yourself.
Be honest with yourself.
Reflect, and evolve.
Change and ascend.