My husband and I are driving home from New York from visiting family and we got to talking. Our 15 month old is fast asleep in the car behind us and we’re talking about how we wish we could have sex tonight.
Realistically we know we won’t because it’s 8:43 and we have an hour drive and little man will be waking me up to nurse every 3 hours, so I squeeze in sleep when I can.
Then we started talking.
We reminisced about how when we met, what making love was like for us…
(WARNING: PG-13 GRAPHIC– in-laws and family members, read no further!) 😂
He would kiss me so tenderly and sweet on the lips like no man ever had…
Grab my fingertips gently in his and pull them to his mouth and kiss and nibble them.
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Move to my neck, running his hands down my arms with his fingertips,
delicately kissing me from head to toe. He’d grab his hands through my hair and massage my body until I was begging for it.
But he wouldn’t give me what I wanted yet.
He’d tease me some more.
This guy really knew what he was doing…
Fast forward to present time:
Take off your pants, do you have the coconut oil?
He’s asleep, we have at least 20 minutes, let’s do this.
Oh man, was that him? Just finish, just finish, I’m almost there.
He’s crying, I can’t focus, just finish…
Or finish without me but I have to get him.
We love being parents and I absolutely love being a mother. I love nursing my son, we have no plans to wean until he is ready. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the freedom we had before our sweet bundle came along.
I miss the time.
So. Much. Time.
So. Much. Foreplay.
I read somewhere once that the brain is the biggest sex organ for a woman. Which means that sex really starts in our mind. The whole “you need to preheat the oven before you stick in the turkey” analogy really stands true for me.
Sex in a marriage isn’t everything, but it is a BIG thing.
I think making love is so important, and it’s not just for the physical release and it’s not just for making babies.
It’s for connecting with your spouse and truly putting the world on pause to just soak each other up in the most delicious way. To pamper each other. Love on each other. Taking a moment to get as close as humanly possible, even wishing you could get closer.
It’s spiritual, really.
My husband is truly my best friend, he can get me laughing like no other and there are times when him just being himself just turns me on so much. It’s not always the moments he comes home with flowers, he could be taking out the trash…Or just laugh at my joke and make me feel like the funniest woman on earth. Or stop me as I’m walking past him cooking dinner in the kitchen and pull me close to him, just to kiss me. (I love that)
Or we could be watching TV together and he laughs that little kid laugh at something that isn’t even funny… but he’s rolling with laughter, with that sweet twinkle in his eyes.
I think back to the time, the very short lived time, that those moments would occur and I could just ravish him on the spot.
My legs, hoo-ha and pits were always smooth and squeaky clean, and as long as we turned our sounds off on our phones, nothing was going to interrupt us. How nice that was.
How nice it was when I never was too tired.
I remember overhearing a girl talking about how when she moved in with her boyfriend she thought that they would be having sex all of the time. And she laughed about how asinine of an idea that was. Inside, I of course laughed and thought, “What a boring girlfriend.”
While dating, my hubby and I rarely were too tired.
But after becoming a parent, you ARE too tired.
Like debilitatingly tired.
There was a time you thought you needed sex to survive. But no, you actually do need sleep to survive. You two might even plan on it but then as soon as you get into bed, naked or not, you both are snoring so loud it wakes the baby.
Or as a nursing mother, you’ve been cradling a baby skin-to-skin all day having them suckle on your breasts that you might not want to have someone on you, needing you.
You physically have to heal after birth so after a while, you’re scared to do it and then you wonder if you even want or need to.
I was afraid of the pain.
If I was going to feel horribly wrong for him after pushing out a 7lb 7 1/2 oz baby.
(Ladies, amazingly we do snap back but be patient with yourselves and if you don’t know how to do kegels at first, it’s not impossible to learn like I once thought.)
How nice it will be to have my husband caress and squeeze my breasts during our special time without being shot in the eyes with my freshly squeezed milk.
I’m serious. This happened once and I never stop thinking about it any time the mood strikes. I’m kissing on my husband, hands in my hair, eyes closed, I’m really feeling sexy. This is it, I got it back! Honestly, Adriana Lima has nothing on this post-baby bod. I’m sexy. I know it.
He reaches up and squeezes my breast, it feels so good…he hasn’t touched me like that in a while. And you know what he says right after we finished? I squirt him in the eye.
He reached up to touch me and I legitimately squirt him in the eye and face with some homemade, freshly squeezed, 100% pure breastmilk.
What the heck.
How sexy can that be?! Why did you tell me that?
I guess the same reason I told him that one time his balls smelled funny. Not cool.
I mean, its actually pretty funny now, but it wasn’t right after it happened, and it wasn’t for a long time. But alas, sex after parenthood really helps you nourish your sense of humor. If you don’t find a way to laugh at it all, you might not survive it. Your sex life won’t at least.
But it is hard to separate the persona of “mother” to sex kitten whenever you need to, it’s not a button I can just turn off.
Because sometimes I have a clogged milk duct so even though I know you won’t dare squeeze them again, if you pull me too tightly against your sexy chest, I will be in excruciating pain and only be focusing on the throbbing lump in my boob that radiates to my armpit.
Now I’m there, in my unshaved armpit.
I’m no where near my most decadent parts mentally, which means I’m no where near there physically.
Or you reach to touch me all over and then you do decide to caress my nipple this time, but that’s the same nipple I will be putting in our son’s mouth in an hour and you just stuck that finger in my butt a little.
Now I’m thinking what if I get thrush on that nipple or he gets sick, what if I don’t wash it well enough? Plus I already have a clogged milk duct there so thanks for adding salt to the wound.
But you don’t want to share these things with your husband because you don’t want them to obsess about these things, right?
Like the time I lost all feeling in my vagina after childbirth.
My clitoris stopped working.
I don’t know if it was nerve damage or what, but Hubby could work his magic all day and nothing.
But when it came back it did so full throttle and was hypersensitive.
My husband went downtown (woohoo!) but I laughed uncontrollably in his face (pun intended) and just told him to stop. 9 months later when I cry to him that he doesn’t like my post baby vagina, he admits to me that I hurt his confidence after that incident.
How unfair! My body wasn’t cooperating, I love when you do that!
Seriously, do it more. Do it right now.
I promise I like it–It hurt my feelings that you didn’t do it. I want you to.
But you can’t just convince someone that after experiencing something like that. He’s gotten over that now, thankfully, and has made up for lost time, but it was quite the journey.
But now what about how everything on the inside is all rearranged?
Why does no one talk about this?
Or was it just me? It’s not painful anymore, but things are lost. I’m making love to my husband, I feel it!
He is himself, but whose vagina did I steal?
I used to know my g-spot and we used to be able to do the damn thang, 1, 2, 3.
Why isn’t this WORKING? Making love to my husband is always amazing, don’t get me wrong.
But I desperately wanted an orgasm again.
There was a time I wondered if it were possible again. I wondered if something was lost.
FYI, everything has finally shifted back to place and he and I know exactly where to find it. But it took this long to get there.
In the mean time, when we were experiencing the tired dry spells, or my orgasmless sessions, we connected on a totally other level.
My husband works a lot and so sometimes when he is working doubles, we need to wait for the weekends.
But if someone is sick and then family is visiting, we’re visiting family, someone is tired, something comes up, it doesn’t happen.
One day I looked at the calendar and it had been 3 days shy of a MONTH.
We both looked at each other confused because one, there was a time we thought that would never happen, and two we thought for sure it was a week ago. Not because we were tired and just didn’t remember. But because it didn’t feel like it had been that long since we touched in that way.
We touch each other in so many ways emotionally that we no longer need to rely on making love to share that connection.
That is something I didn’t foresee when we first met. That is something I didn’t know was possible. I think that is why hand holding, and cuddling, and kissing… like REALLY kissing, not just during sex is so, so important.
Flirting, playing, keeping the love alive and fresh and fun and sexy…. It carries you through the dry spells and doesn’t leave you feeling lonely or like you are going without.
Like anything else in life…
Your sexlife after parenthood goes through seasons.
There are dry spells, there are wet and wild seasons, there are cuddling seasons.
It all comes full circle and it all makes you stronger.
It also humbles you when you said that you’d never let the TV be a babysitter,
but dangit the moment is now.
I want and need you now.
I can’t wait until our little guy is asleep.
Let’s put on his favorite movie on really loud and lock the door. He’ll be fine–don’t skip the foreplay.
On the upside, my husband and I are thankful.
Aside from the obvious, our son is completely our pride and joy, we’d never change the way our life panned out. And we are thankful for the days that we get to reallllyyyy slow down, take our time with each other like the good ole days…
We fell deeper in love together because we connect on so much more than just our bodies.
It gave us the opportunity to practice learning how to touch each other deeply without touch.
For that I am thankful.
We’ve learned how to get pretty creative with each other, too 🙂
And the moments that we do get to steal away together? They are so much more powerful.
Ask 23 year old Paige, and she would have told you that wasn’t possible.
But baby, I’m telling you… It is.