I feel touched-out today.
I’m at my limit.
I feel conflicted.
Last night was the first time I got angry.
Angry that my son wanted to nurse in the middle of the night.
Angry when he couldn’t get comfortable and got aggressive with MY breasts.
This is my body.
This is attached to me.
And I share it with you.
I’m not comfortable either, my love
in this glider that is meant for nighttime stories and snuggles
or tiny nursling’s
but too tight of a space for a slouched down momma and her nursing toddler
The amazing little-big boy that you have grown to be.
I was tired
and comfortable in bed next to daddy and I just didn’t want to get up this time.
I would never let you cry it out alone
But for the first time I wanted to not lift you up
For the third time that night
I didn’t want to offer my breasts
I wanted only to show you I was there
and then crawl back into bed
and back into my sleep
And then I felt guilt.
I don’t know how I got here
To this place where I felt that this had to be all or nothing
I don’t want to wean completely.
I know you’re not ready, I’m not ready.
I truly love nursing you so, so much.
But I’m ready for my nights back.
I’m ready to go out with my husband for an evening and not return until mid morning.
I’m ready for my breasts to not fill in the middle of the night but wait til morning.
To be able to not sleep on my back if I don’t want to
without running the risk of clogged ducts.
I want nursing in the morning and just before naptime, just before bed
I want nursing for snuggles, to bring me back to you.
For the immunity boost and nutrition it still provides for you.
I want nursing still.
During the day.
But in the evening,
I want nighttime for sleep
Nighttime for daddy…Nighttime for me.