I realize now how long I’ve been faking it.
I’d search endlessly in books for peace
I’d meditate and find that stillness for a moment, only to return to my cluttered mind, energy, and spirit
This became my normal: Peace followed by mental chaos…
A drained shell of a person stuck on a hamster wheel of emotions.
I had this image of what I wanted but didn’t quite know how to get there, what I needed to change to make that happen.
It was too overwhelming; perhaps too painful to look closely at all the changes I would need to make. It wouldn’t be as simple as practicing breathing, letting go of my surroundings and thoughts…
I had to go deeper.
I would have to be brutally honest with myself.
No longer placing blame on others, and instead hold myself accountable for what I had been allowing to manifest inside my sense of self and my life.
I wasn’t ready to let go of expectations–those I knew existed from others and those I created in my mind.
I had adopted this “it is what it is” attitude, but at the core I didn’t believe it. I know this because that ache of anxiety would live inside my gut always, waiting to rear its ugly head into a full blown meltdown. An unraveling of self that would present itself at times that I considered inopportune, at which I would stifle and swallow again and again until I was full of this ugly, dark jelly and darkness.
A darkness that only needed to be set free.
So that it no longer needed to live in me.
I could distract myself for a moment, trick myself into thinking that I had it under control… but I have learned that unless you face it fully, it will always come back.
It’s like trying to push water back into a hose while it’s already running… You can try with all your might but it just isn’t possible, and it just doesn’t make any sense.
I’d ignore the pushing that I felt inside, I’d go against my natural inclinations. I’d practice peaceful living without first purging the negative energy out, and so it would always creep back in, almost instantaneously. An exhausting cycle to live in.
I’ve let it out on this island and I want to remember the next time I start to fall into that habit of stifling my emotions…
To let them pour.
Let out the old in order to invite in the new.
Because now that I am on the other side, I feel so much more peace. True peace. I not only see it, but I feel it, it lives inside of me now. I am finding the courage, deep inside. I am inviting peace in and letting it stay. I’m creating an energy I love, an energy I can protect.
And I know that honoring that is not selfish but self-loving.
That honoring the needs of my soul allows me to be the woman that I want to be:
A strong woman
A loving woman
An open woman
In being gentle with myself first I am able to be gentle with others. The times I’ve been harsh to others , I’ve been harsher to myself.
I am taking the little girl’s hand that lives inside me and I am telling her,
I love you. All parts of you.
The hurt, the sad, the angry.
The happy, the timid, the quiet.
The loud, the silly, the strange.
I love it all.
It’s all beautiful. And it’s safe to be all of those things, in every moment they need to be felt and shown…
and they can be set free now…”
I honor these parts of myself so that I can honor them in others.
I’m ready to start anew.
I am ready to live lightly and not jaded.
I’m ready to fill myself with love, build myself back up piece by piece and then learn just how much I can share… without feeling depleted.
Recognize fully that I am me
And I am enough.