Some people would tell you I’m the most peaceful and gentle person.
Some would tell you I’m closed off and aloof.
Some would tell you I’m goofy, loud, and outgoing.
Some would tell you I’m reserved and timid.
Some would tell you I’m kind.
Some would tell you I’m rude.
And you know?
They’d ALL be right.
My husband and I discussed this, the many facets we encompass as people and we talk about the type of people we strive so hard to be. It’s so easy to be the kind, gentle, peaceful person when you’ve created a peaceful environment for yourself.
But what about when we step outside that comfort zone and our character is then tested?
That’s the true test, I’m learning. To nurture ourselves and practice, practice, practice so that we can remain soft and gentle and be disciplined in our tone, expressions, reactions, our energy, no matter the situation, person, or environment. To be so rooted and grounded that we are unable (or very less likely) to be swayed. I find that I turn myself off during certain situations, go into cruise-control and no longer take absolute responsibility for my actions, reactions and thought processes. It’s my reflexive way of “checking out” in order to protect myself but in turn this diminishes the parts of myself that I am very proud of –and it’s an ugly place to be.
This is a different thief of joy.
There will always be a reason “why.” We can always find a rationalization for not being our best self. But my husband and I are practicing not using the “why” as a camping post, where we continue acting out habitually. This takes work. And we’re working. We teach our son that when he’s angry, frustrated, or sad that we still are not allowed act a certain way. But we are still teaching ourselves these things as well.
Indifference doesn’t equate stability and certainly doesn’t bring peace.
But this is something I’m learning to navigate in a healthy way. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’ve been doing a lot of talking to the man upstairs and I’ve been receiving a little bit of clarity.
I know there are parts of me that are full of love and light and I also honor the parts of me that are still full of darkness, but I am working on not allowing the latter to take up too much residence in my spirit so that I can cultivate more goodness into my world and be the Paige that I’m most proud to be–not the Paige that lives reflexively.
Staying soft takes effort, mindfulness, discipline.
Living in peace doesn’t happen because we’re lucky. It isn’t a divine gift that some of us are given because we are more or less deserving. It happens because we choose it. We do the work. We cultivate it. We choose to live Christ-like and discipline ourselves. When we live through our egos, we block out love, we block out peace. That’s not the life God wants for us whatsoever. I do believe in spiritual warfare and I do believe that we have the power to create our own heaven or hell on earth, depending on which whispers we allow to lead our life. Which do you choose? For me, I recognize my assignment now…I want peace. I want love. I want grace. And so my practice is absolutely worth the challenge.
Love and light.