When I first started my blog, I didn’t know yet that I was in this new state of transformation. It felt lonely, uncomfortable, and unfamiliar. I wanted to run from it, get myself back. The familiar. The safe.
I started this blog because I was desperately reaching for a hand to grab back and help pull me out of the bottom, or at least sit with me and tell me they understood. And during my most desperate state, no one did. I think now that was the point.
God needed me desperate and He needed me to have no one but Him to turn to.
It wasn’t until I started healing, defrosting, standing a little more securely on my own, did like-minded mommies and women find me, from different walks and all around the world (Nadia, Salma, Leighann, Nikkie, Ashlea, Fiona, Kimberly, just to name a few :-*) Since then, I’ve gone through several more transformations, each time just as uncomfortable as the last, but unlike before, I have an understanding, a faith in what God is doing. And so I lean into that.
I’m not sure what that means for this little blog. Sometimes while in the storm, I pour myself into writing or creating. To connecting. Other times, like very recently, I feel God gently remove the pen from my hand and whisper, “Just sit with me.”
I was led to put this down. And observe. And what a storm it was, this last year and a half.
For the first time since we’ve been married, the Lord put us in a season of growth, transformation, pruning, at the very same time. For the first time ever, my husband experienced depression. He experienced the breaking that takes place within our spirit just before God makes something new, something spectacular. We saw together, right before our eyes, what prayer can do in our lives, and what it does when we stop; how it changes our circumstances, rearranges everything we’ve ever known. We’re still seeing the pieces fall into place and although the growing pains are still occurring at times, we see where once we had doubts about His plans, (so many “Why’s?”–so many answers now…so much more peace) We can say confidently that although this year was the hardest, we’re grateful because we are changed. Stronger. More confident in our faith, in our marriage, in our life. We have a clearer picture of what we want and what we don’t, and we’ve gained this sense of relief, truly knowing that God’s plan does prevail when we stay in constant communication and submission to Him.
I learned to submit, truly–even when I don’t necessarily want to…
and trust what God is doing, while discerning how to gently support my husband. Learning how to let him lead and take his time as he worked through his own personal growing pains. I learned to watch my husband strengthen his relationship with Christ and follow His lead. We encouraged each other. Prayed over each other, leaned on God first and each other second. We’ve always said that God has been the center of our marriage, but this season tested that…and I do believe it was worth it.
The man I see now in front of me is empowered, strong in his faith, confident, gentle but firm in his convictions. A true man of God.
I, too feel different. A year ago I felt feeble in my confidence, wanting and craving so desperately the acceptance and confirmation of almost everyone around me. That isn’t important to me anymore. God has taught me to be brave and confident in His image of me, in His plans for me. To concentrate on that instead of what that looks like to others; and although that was always my goal, in this chapter, I truly and confidently feel that way. When I once was hurt or offended by how people analyzed or interpreted my life, my choices… I now just feel happy that my husband and I have created a life that makes us feel whole–both individually and collectively; and I simply wish that for others as well, no matter what that looks like. I no longer feel offended by the conditions others try to place onto me, but also don’t subscribe to them either. I allow my life to flow into its natural course, leading and removing people, in and out, naturally. I don’t force. I follow the peace, and when God asks me to go into deep waters, I submit. I have incredible people in my life, a sense of peace in my heart, physical, mental, and spiritual stability. I feel happy, and after such a tumultuous and confusing year, that is all I can ask for. And it is all that I pray for you.
Isaiah 43:18: “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”
With love and light, always.
Oh and P.S. we’re 6 months pregnant, too :-* Just another way God showed us His timing, the way He can change our hearts, even when it’s at a time we never would have thought would make sense. And we couldn’t be happier.
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