I posted this on my personal Facebook and Instagram page, but I’ve had several people message me since, saying it helped them, comforted them, or made them feel heard, and so I’m going to go ahead and post it for anyone else in the world who may need to see it, too:
8 years. Each year I absorb a new perspective. Losing a large part of my soul will change me over and over again—forever I hope. It taught me that you can absolutely die from your heart breaking over and over again in a million different ways. And we cannot pretend to know the threshold that the people we love have when it comes to pain or disappointment. We all handle life and the currents differently. We all hold our breath differently. We cannot watch the people we love unravel and be okay with it. All the signs, the conversations. But I noticed too late. And I’m so sorry, God I am so sorry. But that very fact, my own arrogance of knowing. Thinking I knew. What was okay. What was best. Thinking he had it under control. Thinking all of our pain was the same. I was wrong. It has wrecked me and changed me.
People always tell others that if you’re struggling, to reach out to someone. They also will tell you, if you notice someone becoming withdrawn, reach out to them. But what I think most people fail to ask themselves is this: if you are reaching out, are you someone who feels safe that this person will be honest about their struggle with? Are you a person that this person in question will hand you their bleeding heart for help? That is the heavier question, but ultimately the only question that needs to be asked. I didn’t hear in the way I could have. I looked through my own lens instead of his own. And although I know I am not to blame, I do & will gladly recognize where I needed my heart to grow and be humbled.
I am such an advocate for self-love now, for letting each person define their own idea of success in their own way, for reminding them that life has options, that if your heart is hurting, if you are scraping to get through each day, if you are suffocating in your own world. There are options. This world is huge and God gave us each breath to live to carry out His will. In a million different ways. But I know we do not have to live like martyrs and live in incessant sadness and pain. If you feel pain, off balance, day in and day out, I do believe that is God telling you that you have stepped off the path somewhere and that is okay, there is always a lesson to be taken from that and that’s beautiful…but don’t chain yourself to that. Keep finding your way, until you find that peace. Life should not feel like a trap. You can always choose light. Happiness. Free your heart. Honor what your soul needs, what it is telling you. And loved ones, always, always pay attention. No one is immune to this💛
Thank you for still teaching me, Mike. I’m sorry it took insurmountable loss to humble me. But I still am grateful. I am a better sister, mother, wife, friend, for it now. Loving you forever. “Nobody knows how to say goodbye….Sounds so easy until you try” 💛 #suicideawareness